Child measured dosages

So, the egg 'fishing'' procedure was, well let’s say, eventful. Not only did I have my legs in stirrups, but a room full of people, camera and spotlight all focused on you know what! I think it’s safe to say that I lost my dignity a while back. The entire procedure was made even more enjoyable by having very little pain relief. Whilst I have no experience of childbirth, this certainly provided me with an insight. Shudder.

I sat waiting miserable as sin, to be called in for my surgery. The two weeks of hormone injections had taken its toll, I was not finding the sexy backless gown as funny as usual, even the addition of a bright blue paper hat that gave me the 'smurfette' look was not able to amuse me. My sister on the other hand was overly excited as they gowned her up ready to watch the procedure. This decision was soon regretted as once it was all underway she became squeezy and made a mad dash for the door. This unlike the smurf hat had managed to put a smile back on my face and I laughed much to the confusion of the doctors.

To say they didn’t give me any pain relief would be unfair, as I did thoroughly enjoy the side effects of one particular drug, floating on cloud 9, they should sell that shit over the counter! The problem was that it didn’t seem to be enough, it never seems to be enough, it's because I'm small, they hold back due to my teeny tiny body mass. Listen Doc, I might be skimming just over 5ft but there is no need to give me child measured dosages.

The same thing happened during the biopsy of the alien bastard. Since the bastard had wormed itself right up against my kidney, spine and aorta, it was crucial to lie completely still, really fucking crucial, but being a known fidget, I was feeling the pressure. So I lie there on my tummy with a big ass needle lodged into my back, waiting for that cloud 9 feeling to kick in, but it never came. I didn’t want to make a fuss, so by the time the pain got really unbearable we were too far into the surgery to not complete the biopsy. We needed to know what was growing inside of me, and asap, so that big ass needle carried on going further and further into my back. It was like they were digging for gold, it took everything I had to not shout every obscenity under the sun, which I often do in this blog. The pain reached a point where I was either going to throw up or pass out, thankfully for those around me, I went with the latter. I was grateful for this, as puke in my hair was something that’s only mildly acceptable the morning after, the night before. Classy. The surgery was a success and they managed to cut away a sample of the bastard. I like to think that they carved out its eye, so now we’ll call it the one eyed bastard. I, however, was awarded the gold star for the bravest patient. Cue smug face.

Anyway, where were we?! Ah yes, egg fishing! After relentless 'poking' they removed 10 mature (something I’ve never been) eggs. The surgeon attempted to stop half way through, as it reached a point whereby we passed uncomfortable and landed at really fucking painful. I had other ideas, I wasn't prepared to leave an egg behind, I’d gone this far, so I digged deep and we finished up with 10 frozen eggs. Just think 10 crazy Charlotte minions. I intend to use every one of them for world domination.

Pre-pain selfie. Rocking the backless gown!